Friday, 2 December 2011

Getting Down With The Kids

Well that's two weeks spent as college supervisor. (Less one day for the public sector strike). I don't think I'll be able to gather enough material to be the next Gervase Phinn but there have been a few interesting encounters:

Scene 1.
** Two girls and a lad come out of the lift.
Me: Hold it, you three. Have you all got lift passes?
** Only staff and disabled students are allowed to use the lifts.
All 3: No.
Me: Let's see your ID then.
** The two girls show me their ID.
O.k. you two can go.
(To the lad) You're Lloyd aren't you?
Lloyd: How do you know my name?
Me: I've seen your picture on the database.
Lloyd: (Now getting a bit alarmed) What database?
Me: Your details are on a college database.
Lloyd: What, a special database?
Me: Oh you're special all right Lloyd. Don't let me catch you again.
** We have access to the student database so that we can identify them and know which class they are supposed to be in. I can even quote their GCSE results at them which freaks them out. I love this job.

Scene 2.
** I'm walking down the corridor past one of the recreation areas where two girls are sitting having a conversation.
Excuse me.
Me: Yes?
Girl: Do you know what a mongoose is?
Me: Yes it's a sort of furry thing with a long neck. A bit like a ferret.
Girl: Oh. Not a sort of chicken then?
Me: Because of the goose connection?
Girl: Yes.
Me: No. Believe me it has no feathers. In fact I think meerkats are part of the mongoose family. I think I read somewhere that in India they use them to kill cobras. Why do you ask?
Girl: Someone just called me a mongoose. Because I have quick reactions.
Me: There you go then. Quick enough to catch a cobra.
Girl: O.k. thanks.
Me: No problem. If I see any cobras in the corridors I'll call for you.

Scene 3.
** I'm walking through the student lounge and a girl is sitting alone on one of the sofas.
Hello, Stacy.
Stacy: How do you know my name?
Me: You showed me your ID the other day when I caught you on the lift with Lloyd. Remember?
Stacy: You must have a good memory.
Me: Not really.
Stacy: Are you Security?
Me: No. Just a supervisor. I'm here to make sure you don't damage college property. Or each other for that matter.
Stacy: Cool. Say, can you do this?
** She lies on the floor and starts writhing about.
This is called 'The Worm'.
Me: I'm not going to get down there and do that.
Stacy: Why not?
Me: I'd look ridiculous.
Stacy: Doesn't matter. You have to live a little. Do mad things.
Me: I've done mad things. I don't really want to any more.
Stacy: Have you ever run naked across a bridge?
Me: Certainly not.
Stacy: Have you ever drunk a whole bottle of tomato ketchup?
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Stacy: What have you done?
Me: I've seen the pyramids, I've climbed Ayers Rock, I've swum with the fish on the Great Barrier Reef in Australia...
Stacy: Oh, I've had a fish pedicure.
Me: Well, that is exactly the same thing.
** A young lad has heard part of the conversation and comes across.
I've been to Australia. I'm moving there with my family after my exams.
Me: You'll know all about Ayers Rock then.
Lad: (Looks puzzled) What?
** It was time I moved on by now. As I left the room I heard Stacy say “What a nice man.” I love this job.


  1. You are having fun, aren't you! Enjoyed the post.

  2. This made me smile - must be some material there for a short story, poem, article or something!

  3. Oh go on, do 'The Worm!' wouldn't try the ketchup thing though - sounds 'orrible.

  4. This is so different to what my proper job used to be, Frances. I'm enjoying every minute despite the hassle. Still watching out for streakers. That will probably happen on last day of term.

    Glad you liked it, Sally. There's more to come.

    Sorry, Patsy. The last time I squirmed around on the ground was when I caught a cricket ball where all men dread.