Well that's two weeks spent as college supervisor. (Less one day for the public sector strike). I don't think I'll be able to gather enough material to be the next Gervase Phinn but there have been a few interesting encounters:
** Two girls and a lad come out of the lift.
Me: Hold it, you three. Have you all got lift passes?
** Only staff and disabled students are allowed to use the lifts.
All 3: No.
Me: Let's see your ID then.
** The two girls show me their ID.
Me: O.k. you two can go.
(To the lad) You're Lloyd aren't you?
Lloyd: How do you know my name?
Me: I've seen your picture on the database.
Lloyd: (Now getting a bit alarmed) What database?
Me: Your details are on a college database.
Lloyd: What, a special database?
Me: Oh you're special all right Lloyd. Don't let me catch you again.
** We have access to the student database so that we can identify them and know which class they are supposed to be in. I can even quote their GCSE results at them which freaks them out. I love this job.
** I'm walking down the corridor past one of the recreation areas where two girls are sitting having a conversation.
Girl: Excuse me.
Girl: Do you know what a mongoose is?
Me: Yes it's a sort of furry thing with a long neck. A bit like a ferret.
Girl: Oh. Not a sort of chicken then?
Me: Because of the goose connection?
Me: No. Believe me it has no feathers. In fact I think meerkats are part of the mongoose family. I think I read somewhere that in India they use them to kill cobras. Why do you ask?
Girl: Someone just called me a mongoose. Because I have quick reactions.
Me: There you go then. Quick enough to catch a cobra.
Girl: O.k. thanks.
Me: No problem. If I see any cobras in the corridors I'll call for you.
** I'm walking through the student lounge and a girl is sitting alone on one of the sofas.
Me: Hello, Stacy.
Stacy: How do you know my name?
Me: You showed me your ID the other day when I caught you on the lift with Lloyd. Remember?
Stacy: You must have a good memory.
Me: Not really.
Stacy: Are you Security?
Me: No. Just a supervisor. I'm here to make sure you don't damage college property. Or each other for that matter.
Stacy: Cool. Say, can you do this?
** She lies on the floor and starts writhing about.
Stacy: This is called 'The Worm'.
Me: I'm not going to get down there and do that.
Stacy: Why not?
Me: I'd look ridiculous.
Stacy: Doesn't matter. You have to live a little. Do mad things.
Me: I've done mad things. I don't really want to any more.
Stacy: Have you ever run naked across a bridge?
Me: Certainly not.
Stacy: Have you ever drunk a whole bottle of tomato ketchup?
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Stacy: What have you done?
Me: I've seen the pyramids, I've climbed Ayers Rock, I've swum with the fish on the Great Barrier Reef in Australia...
Stacy: Oh, I've had a fish pedicure.
Me: Well, that is exactly the same thing.
** A young lad has heard part of the conversation and comes across.
Lad: I've been to Australia. I'm moving there with my family after my exams.
Me: You'll know all about Ayers Rock then.
Lad: (Looks puzzled) What?
** It was time I moved on by now. As I left the room I heard Stacy say “What a nice man.” I love this job.